Sabrina is Here!

My love Sabrina is here! :)



I wish I did not have to work so much so I could spend more time with her, but I'm so glad she's here. I'm so proud of her and of everything she has achieved. I can't believe that the first time she visited me after I moved back to the US I was 14 and she was 15. Now I am 22 and she is 23. Our friendship is a true example of what you read about in Facebook memes; We can go months or even years without speaking to each other, but still manage to pick up where we stopped. That is exactly what happened when she came to visit!!! :) LOVE HER!

I’ve been contemplating a lot lately and the conclusion I have come to is important. I’ve realized that things are hard; it is difficult to live on your own for several years while going to school a few hundred miles from any given relative (at best). It’s hard to keep it up; it’s hard to survive while struggling for money, it’s hard to make straight As while doing so, and lastly it feels nearly impossible to get out of that situation, because it feels like a never-ending downward spiral. Where do I work…Where can I afford to live…Oh, well if I can’t afford anything, then I have to find a second job until I make enough at one workplace to survive, but then what about school? And then you feel stuck… Honestly though, I have to tell you that experiences like these teach you what really matters, and I’m grateful for that, because realizing how lucky you are even when you are at your lowest is the most valuable lesson you can ever learn. This is why we are here – to appreciate the little things and pass on that gratefulness to others, because happiness and love are the only two real things we will ever experience. They are felt by our soul while money, stress, and time are merely physical entities that won’t necessarily matter when we are old and look back on our lives. Take the time to consider what you have and all of the things that you do not want that you do not have. Think about the place you get to rest your head beyond harm… Your passion(s) in life… The things that drive you to hold on to life when you feel like everything else is gone… The people who understand you better than you understand yourself… And the few people who give you selfless advice, but understand that you will make your own choices and still won’t judge you. Look up at the sun and feel the breeze.. Look up at the stars and the moonlit trees and realize that there was about a one in 400 trillion chance of your coming into being, and yet you’re here… So go chase the things you love, let go of the things that make you unhappy, and just live

I hope that some day I can share what I've learned and make a difference in someone's life. That's why we're here, right? To experience and to learn, and to pass on that wisdom to others as well as turn what we've learned into compassion for others. Or, do I just think way too much about anything and everything :)

I want to run away, but I know my problems will only follow me. I feel lost

Meh

If I were to write down everything and voice all of my opinions in one blog post, I'd probably write more words than those that already exist in this blog. I just figured I need to find another outlet for my stress, so here I am..

Let's see... School, work, relationship, living situation, car... School is fine, and work is fine, and even though I barely get paid, at least I GET paid. Relationship is suffering some, and it's painful right now. The arguments we had really made me appreciate him more than I ever have, but there is no sexual intimacy anymore. I think the sexual intimacy is the one I care about the most; If you love a peron you should bear to make sacrifices -- if you enjoy hugs and kisses, but they're not the type to really give those to you, then it should be okay, but no sexual intimacy just makes me feel worthless and as if they would rather not touch me. I'm perfectly attractive and try to do anything for the person I'm with, so I don't understand. He claims he was stressed in the beginning, but once I started nagging about it he just stopped touching me in general, and he admitted that pushed him away. I'm trying to change the things he doesn't like about me though; There are many things I said that I regret and I would choose the wrong times to talk. I hope it's not too late now. I feel hopeful, but at the same time it hurts, I don't feel like doing anything other than sit and contemplate on things that I really can't do anything about. I have to step back and just hope that things work themselves out.... I just miss him when I am in the same room as him, and that hurts the most. I wish I hadn't doubted him in the past. The only reason I did was because he seemed distant, and I should've just backed off and realized that there are several reasons why that could happen instead of taking it personally... So in being worried to lose him, I pushed him away and made my fear a reality. I still have him though, so there's still a chance. I love him so I am simply going to take a step back and let it be instead of thinking about it and feeling angry or upset.. That doesn't help anyone.

Huge Changes

My life is going to be changing a lot within the next few months, or at least I expect that from the way things are going at the moment. I still have the same job, go to the same school, etc, but I have some big plans that I hope I can incorporate into my life in one form or another. Or should I call them goals?

1. I cannot wait until approximately a month from now when I live with Ace. I'm a little nervous, but I really enjoy being around him. When I'm away from him I still go about my daily errands and social life, but I feel like something is missing.. When he sends me random text messages telling me that he loves or miss me I feel this warm feeling in my heart... And wish I was with him... I love his lovey doveyness and pidgey kisses and pacman fever. Hahah. He's so silly. He has this quiet way of showing that he cares. He doesn't really use words, but rather he uses actions, and even though I'm not used to it, I'm slowly but surely becoming more comfortable with it.
2. After I get on top of my school work, I plan on hopefully participating in some sort of clubs, sports, or work out programs as well as volunteering outside of school to help people around me. I even told people I wanted to bake cookies to give out to the homeless one day, but we'll see how that goes. I want to try though... I want to take advantage of life while I have the opportunity, because life is a gift, not a privelege. I want to do something to change lives around me, or at least make people smile... and maybe make myself smile while I'm at it.
3. I want to start filming and editing more. I feel like I lost a piece of myself somewhere when I stopped filming and want to try to get it back..
4. I want to try to get a job within customer service, or maybe even an internship.
5. I want to get back into shape and eat healthy..
6. I want to start going to open mic nights again whenever I have the chance, and pick up my guitar again.

We shall see how this goes, but I believe if I stay on top of things I can make it happen :)

First I need to concentrate on school work and making my apartment squeaky clean as well as go through and pack my stuff... :D

:)

There are 7 billion people in this world. 312,036,000 people in the U.S. and some how I magically met you. That alone is already a blessing in itself.