-_-

You know when you're falling head first into dream land and you think of something you absolutely have to turn into a blog, but once you're awake you have no fucking clue what that was. Haha.

Anyway, I have the best boyfriend in the world :) It's 6am, he's at work and I feel like I got 8 hours of sleep even though I really only got 3, so here I am.

Oh, so as for the blog post I wanted to write as I fell asleep: I actually remember. Today I was rather temperamental in my own nice-ish way, I don't have those days often, but when I do it always gets me down.. I feel sort of angry, and sort of sad, because I have the greatest boyfriend, but my ex left me feeling insufficient and self conscious. I feel like I cannot amount up to anyone even though I am sure I can. I just have trouble seeing what I truly am. I try really hard and achieve a lot yet I'm left feeling like I accomplished nothing special and need to try harder just to be average, so I try harder to better myself in so many areas that I live 110 mph and exhaust myself and keep getting sick. And I'm in love, but I try to not care or expect too much (which is impossible, because after only 1 1/2 months I care more than I can describe), because after all the times I've put in my all and have gotten hurt I am afraid to get hurt again. Being afraid is no way to live, though, but all too many people can probably identify themselves in that. I trust the guy surprisingly.. I trust him a lot.. He's the best thing that has happened to me in a while.. But in the back of my mind I am still afraid, because the past couple years has consisted of constant high hopes just for things to crash down really hard. Lol, even a good friend of mine told me to not get my hopes up too high about anything, because according to recent patterns in my life it'd be foolish to do so unless I want to get hurt. But that's no way to live.. So I'm starting to say fuck it again, there's no point in living unless you come to terms with the past and realize that it doesn't necessarily have to keep repeating itself. I seem to often confront things in a very positive manner, but the journey towards actual happiness and self-actualization has become so difficult. I suppose I'll keep headbutting the obstacles like a fucking rhinoceros and hope I actually get somewhere.